And It's the Fall That Killed Them
by 2028
Summary: "Drowning people sometimes die fighting their rescuers"- Octavia Butler, Book of the Living.


"Drowning people sometimes die fighting their rescuers."

Drew wasn't as good with words as Rick, but he was improving. More importantly, he recognized the look in Rick's eyes and it looked just like a person floundering around, trying to find the edge after they had been shoved into the deep end. For a long time, Drew had thought he and Rick were struggling together and that he could support both of them for awhile until Rick was better. Apparently, he wasn't doing a great job because Rick still looked like he was sucking in water instead of air, two months after the accident. Rick still meet Drew's eyes, god he was so much braver than Drew would have been in this situation, so Drew could see the exhaustion and the annoyance and the pain but most of all the fear hidden in the back. That hit Drew the hardest, because he always felt safer with Rick around, but apparently that feeling wasn't mutual.

"And sometimes drowning people kill their rescuers when they pull them down with them."

Drew could feel the shock showing on his face, but he let out a bitter laugh when he figured out what Rick meant. The situation was far from funny but Drew could laugh or cry and he picked laughing. So his bitter broken laugh echoed around the room for a short second. They—Rick and Drew, Drew and Rick—were more similar then they ever acknowledged out loud. In leaving, Rick was trying to set Drew free, give him an out from the chaos and the hardships of the last couple months. Rick was drowning and he knew Drew was there, willing to go down with the ship so to speak, but Rick pulled away and refused to be saved if it meant hurting Drew. Drew hated it; he had done it a couple times himself, and he still hated. He understood the reasoning; hell they had even had this conversation before but Drew still hated that both of them were so protective of the other, they couldn't fully depend on each other. Loving each other was not even a question, but both of them still had to work on trusting and having faith. Time apart had not killed their desire to be together, but it had hampered their ability to live together and absorb the other into their day to day lives. Since the accident, they had been dealing with Rick's injury and trying to navigate living together, something they had only done in short periods before this. At times it was hard to tell either they were having problems because of the accident or because they just weren't used to each other. And maybe that is what really bothered Drew about this situation, that he loved Rick almost desperately, but he don't really know him anymore. It didn't help Rick had tried to recover by drawing in on himself, hiding his emotions, hiding his pain like he never had before. Drew looked at the face he had relearned over the recent months and stared in the mostly familiar blue eyes and bit his lip when he realized even behind the fear was some emotion Drew couldn't name.

"You're not killing me Rick."

"It feels like I am."

Drew took a deep breath as his thoughts spun wildly at that statement. It had been hard, harder than either of them anticipated. Drew had a break at work, but Rick had nowhere to be, nothing to do except sit at home and wonder about his life and worry about his future. And evidently pick apart their relationship and decide it worked better without him in it. Drew had recognized the problem from the beginning and started throwing suggestions as Rick, gently, carefully, only to have most of them refused in favor of brooding and almost obsessive tracking of doctor's appointments. And, Drew thought now, this was another area where he had failed. He had been so busy keeping their heads above water, he had forgotten that maybe needed Rick a friend not a rescuer. Maybe he needed someone to worry less about holding him up and worry more about standing at his side. Maybe Rick wanted someone to look him in the eyes and see the same person they would have before the accident, see the same incredible, honest, multifaceted, happy person who was the real victim of this accident despite the fact that Rick's leg had been the piece removed. And unfortunately for the both of them, Rick— not Drew— excelled in that department. Drew did okay, but he bounced around a lot more, hit more roadblocks, got more scars on his journey. It had worked until now, but at the moment, Rick couldn't take the damage and jump up for the next round. Maybe Drew hadn't been the best man for this job.

"It doesn't help when the rescuer can barely manage for themselves."

"Drew, I couldn't have asked for a better rescuer."

That sentence held that special note of emotion in Rick's voice, one Drew knew Rick brought out when he was trying to convince Drew not to blame himself, trying to get him to recognize his potential and his talent, when Drew focused on the flaws. Drew tried to see this from Rick's perspective, uninformed about medicine, disconnected from his men, stripped of the position that made him in charge and needed. Rick benefited hugely from helping others. But here there was no one to help; he had all the time in the world to focus on himself, focusing only on his own problems and his own needs. Deep down, though, Rick was a leader because he didn't let his needs and his wants to overshadow the needs and wants of others. There is why his men trusted him so much, because Rick can't help himself from being a sincerely compassion and caring person. But now Rick was separated from his unit, a leader without any followers, unable to redirect all that compassion and caring to his own needs. So it had lead here, splitting up, because Rick couldn't take away Drew's problems, couldn't make his life easier, couldn't force away the pain Drew was feeling because Rick saw himself as the source of that pain and the root of those problems. And that realization hit Drew in the gut because Rick was finally doing what Drew had hoped he would do along. Rick was back to acting like himself; he had recovered enough to pull himself out of his misery and reconnect to the rest of the world. Rick was back, trying to fix people's problems and ease their burden but this time, he was doing it by leaving instead of stepping closer. And tears bit at the back of Drew's eyes at the thought of it.

"You leaving isn't going to make me less miserable."

"Me staying won't either."

There Drew wanted to start screaming. In that moment the panic took over and Drew knew he was going to be alone again. He hated being alone. He had faced a lot of it when Rick was deployed. It had been crushing and at times horribly long, never ending. He had faced to some degree everywhere because no one really knew him and two of the three people who knew him wished they didn't. It was an unfair load to set on Rick's shoulders and Drew had brought this up the tour before last and Rick had admitted sometimes he feels the weight, sometimes it weighs him down a little. Before Drew could continue though, Rick had said it would be get better; he had said it won't be like this forever and you have to survive the bad times to live in the good times. This statement had resettled some of the weight on Drew's shoulders because he knew he could decrease Rick's load if he told people and Rick wasn't his only confidant. But Drew had come a long way since that conversation, he felt. He had thought that Rick agreed but maybe that was something else he couldn't really read in Rick anymore.

"So what happens now? To us I mean?"

"I don't know."

Drew was sure he was reading the guilt correctly now and it was confirmed when Rick continued.

"That's not a fair answer but you don't have to wait. It's your life, do what you want with it."

But Drew knew he wouldn't. Even if he wanted to move on, have another boyfriend, he wouldn't, not right now, maybe not for a long time. Drew was all in; maybe he couldn't say it, maybe it scared the living daylights out of him to admit, but he was all in and now that they had entered this relationship together, Drew couldn't even begin looking for the string to pull to unravel it. And even then, one string would not be enough. Every step they took, every boundary they surmounted tied another knot in that string until it was a massive, encircling net, binding him to Rick. Theoretically he could take a knife to the connections and carve himself free but he was in too deep, he didn't want to think about how much it much hurt to carve Rick away; pieces of him would get torn off in the process. More importantly, he didn't want out. He didn't want freedom, he wanted structure, he wanted steadiness, he wanted family and he wanted it with Rick.

"I don't want it to be my life. I want it to be our life."

Drew regretted the pain that flashed through Rick's eyes at that and Drew suddenly understood that this was killing Rick just as much as it was killing him. He felt stupid for not realizing it. Rick saved other people, yes, and he worked for other people yes, but the reason he was so good at it was because he treated everyone like family. Saving his men was saving his brothers, helping people was helping his friends, loving Drew through his insecurities was learning apply the lessons to himself. Letting Drew attach himself to Rick was Rick letting himself become attached to Drew. And while Drew was hesitant to even consider cutting their ties, Rick had looked beyond them, saw Drew going down with him, and started hacking even if he bled out in the process. So Drew had to stop him; Drew had to sever some of the ties on his end so Rick didn't take all the damage. Neither one of them would be okay at the end, but if Rick wanted out, for whatever reason, despite all the reasons Rick himself didn't want to go, Drew had to let him go. Drew had to help him leave. So Drew took another breathe and echoed his boyfriend.

"But that's not a fair answer. It's your life" Drew said taking a step closer. "Do what you need with it."

Finally, finally, Rick looked down and after a second, he nodded shakily. After an infinite number of silent seconds he continued.

"I didn't drown because my rescuer failed. I drown because I couldn't let myself reach out. And that isn't on you, no matter what you think."

Rick knew Drew's petulance for self blame. Some things were constant and even if Rick had forgotten that, it had been blindingly obvious in the past couple months. Drew knew what Rick was doing and maybe it was true, maybe Drew had done his best but his best hadn't been enough. Maybe truly, the best thing for Rick was inhale a little water and force himself back to the surface. Even so, that would take a long time to accept and a long time to believe. And Drew would never stop searching the bottom of the pool for Rick. Part of his brain was too attuned to watch his boyfriend's back and even if he could eventually, in a distant future, accept it wasn't his fault, he would not let himself off the hook for keeping Rick safe, would never stop spotting the man who saved everyone else. Drew came to the end of his thought process and he wandered which one of them had the strength to walk away from the other. Drew searched Rick's eyes for another long second, a flash of a moment before it was over, and decided it would have to be him. He had to pull the knife from Rick's hand and carry it away so Rick could start healing. So Drew did. Painfully, fully aware he would resent himself for the decision later, he did.

"Keep your head above water. It's not falling in that kills you, it's staying under."

Rick nodded and Drew took a step back and another and he turned a little and didn't let himself look back and he took another step and turned a little more and all too soon he found the door.


End file.
